It all started when the banks failed. They gave out loans people couldn't pay back and everything went up shit's creek once again.
For a moment the future seemed glorious. All across America everyone was flossin'. A house with a 57 in. plasma flat screen TV and an escalade in every driveway. We ate surf and turf for lunch and farm raised salmon for dinner; no vegetables please!
Then reality set in when that first installment bill arrived in the mail; everyone couldn't be P Diddy after all. Now the banks wouldn't get all their money back. How could these successful financial institutions with decades of experience and some of the brightest individuals in the country be so sloppy? Were they high? Maybe, but that's neither here nor there. We were starving for the truth and it finally appeared.
The truth was, they didn't fail at all! It was a miscalculation. The banks never failed because they're just too big! They were too big to fail. It all started to make sense. Everyone knows it is impossible for big things to fail. By taking a glimpse at history you might say, "But Bob, big things fail all the time. Like dinosaurs, Goliath, and the twin towers." Take a longer look, I challenge you.
Dinosaurs, Goliath, and the twin towers might seem huge at first glance but this is not the case. Morgan Stanley was at least the size of 237 Tyrannosaurus Rexes and 52 Brontosauruses put together. And did you know you'd have to vertically stack 115 building ones of the World Trade Center to reach the size of one Citi Bank? That would be at least 15,987 Goliaths piled on top of one another.
So where did we go from here? Well, high unemployment, inflation, bankruptcy, and record profits for financial institutions to name a few. Not to mention high returns for big investors in the stock market like hedge funds. The poor stayed poor and the middle class got knocked down a few pegs. But at least the rich were OK...at least for a while.
Then this guy Bernie Madoff arrived on the scene. The only problem was he'd been on the scene taking rich peoples money for a few decades. The jig was up and rich people were pissed. Madoff was thrown in jail. The moral of that story was, you can't steal money from rich people.
When the smoke cleared the morale of the populous was at an all time low. We looked to our dewy and refreshing leader, Barrack Obama for guidance. unfortunately, he kicked us when were down. He finally passed his health care bill.
At the moment our lives are not only shitty, but the government wants us to live our miserable lives longer! I'm sure the bill is great for people who don't want to die, but what percentage of people is that really?!
When bad things happen to us there's an expression people say. It goes, "At least you have your health!" Tell that to someone that who lost 5 million dollars to Bernie Madoff. They'd probably rather have their investment back or jump out a fucking window.
It seemed like there was no hope. The banks stopped lending money and the government only cared about making people healthy. Who could we turn to? I'll tell you who, apple.
They call it it the i-pad, or should I say, "i-glad?". Thank God we now have this unnecessary cutting- edge piece of technology to distract us!
Unfortunately it's $499 and most of us can't afford it. But at least we can fantasize about sitting on the train watching reruns of Scrubs or the latest episode of Lost on a 9.7 inch high resolution screen. The i-pad is not only ideal for storing and playing media it's also ideal for surfing the web. You can open multiple windows on one screen so you can easily view multiple texts of useless information all at the same time. There is also a plethora of i-pad specific applications in existence that you don't need but will immediately find crucial at the instance of their discovery.
One of my favorite applications is the satellite map that can pin point your exact location on earth in case you have no idea of your whereabouts.
